Sunday, November 14, 2010

Letter to RA

Dear RA,
You suck! I just want to go to church and to have lunch with friends but no, you wont let me! in You have invaded my joints and my whole body once again. I'm cold I cant get warn and then to make matters worse when I try I have  hot flashes. Make up you mind.  You make me eat everything in sight,  and gain weight because right now I cant exercise.Then you take my appetite away and you cause my mother to freak out.You make me cry, feel guilty, bad about myself because I'm sick.I'm embarrassed because I cant open things I'm 33 other people my age open everything.  I'm lonely I want my church friends. I also want my spoonies on the Internet but you  take that away by hurting my hands I want to work to help others but you prevent that too. Are you buddies with the cold weather, you must be because every time one comes into my life the other follows.I wish i was powerful enough m to fight you. but I cant, You have affected me and a lot of my wonderful friends , But one day one Day we will win, They will invent a cure and you will be no more. A lot of us are spiritual, which means we have a higher power on our side. You cant win against that. I hope you are shaking because Im gonna fight back. Im going to my doctor Hell I will go to 5 doctors , I will take every med I can get my hands , I will exercise and you will fail to exist in my life.
Jennifer A. Miller

Saturday, November 6, 2010

Im Scared! Things that run through my mind !

A week ago I went to a new Dr.  I got a new diagnosis Rheumatoid Arthritis. At first I was like OK cool because I was under the impression it could be treated and I would be fine. I then got home got on the internet and I learned the truth. Yes there are ways to treat it, but no way to cure it.  Knowing that I will live the rest of my life in pain saddens me. I think back to before I got sick and I want to shake myself, I thought it was a major deal if I didn't have plans for the weekend,If the cute guy didn't ask me out or If i didn't look perfect. I did have problems deciding what I wanted to do with my life. I defiantly wanted to be a wife and a mother, a teacher or a counselor. I wanted to host parties and Bible studies. I often wonder if that girl was shallow and did God allow this to happen just to get my attention.
My worries now are will I be paralysed, What If I'm walking one day and I collapse because my legs go numb My legs to go numb but they haven't given out on me. I'm afraid because I have heard that this can affect my organs my heart or my kidneys. I also don't want to be a burden to my friends or my family, My parents are about to retire, I don't want them to have to take care of me again. Whose going to take care of them when they need it. Will I be able to ? What about marriage ? If I get married I am going to want a child, but what if I pass these diseases onto them, is it selfish of me to want to get married, to have children. I know these are heavy questions that have no answers but I just wanted to get them out.
There are medicines that will help me but I'm swelling and hurting a lot. The winter is pure hell on me. It makes me want to move but I cant support myself.
I don't want my life to be over. There are places I want to go, people I want to meet, and things I want to do. I also have the worst memory now. I want to return to grad school, But I have the worse memory thanks to all of this what If i forget to go to class or do my homework? Is my body able to handle classes? Will my fingers handle typing and note taking? What if I'm taking a test and I go into brain fog?
I know that my life is not my own but the Lords. I know that He will help me handle all of this,but sometimes it is a lot to handle, If we are friends, don't let this scare you away because I need you now more than ever.