Saturday, November 6, 2010

Im Scared! Things that run through my mind !

A week ago I went to a new Dr.  I got a new diagnosis Rheumatoid Arthritis. At first I was like OK cool because I was under the impression it could be treated and I would be fine. I then got home got on the internet and I learned the truth. Yes there are ways to treat it, but no way to cure it.  Knowing that I will live the rest of my life in pain saddens me. I think back to before I got sick and I want to shake myself, I thought it was a major deal if I didn't have plans for the weekend,If the cute guy didn't ask me out or If i didn't look perfect. I did have problems deciding what I wanted to do with my life. I defiantly wanted to be a wife and a mother, a teacher or a counselor. I wanted to host parties and Bible studies. I often wonder if that girl was shallow and did God allow this to happen just to get my attention.
My worries now are will I be paralysed, What If I'm walking one day and I collapse because my legs go numb My legs to go numb but they haven't given out on me. I'm afraid because I have heard that this can affect my organs my heart or my kidneys. I also don't want to be a burden to my friends or my family, My parents are about to retire, I don't want them to have to take care of me again. Whose going to take care of them when they need it. Will I be able to ? What about marriage ? If I get married I am going to want a child, but what if I pass these diseases onto them, is it selfish of me to want to get married, to have children. I know these are heavy questions that have no answers but I just wanted to get them out.
There are medicines that will help me but I'm swelling and hurting a lot. The winter is pure hell on me. It makes me want to move but I cant support myself.
I don't want my life to be over. There are places I want to go, people I want to meet, and things I want to do. I also have the worst memory now. I want to return to grad school, But I have the worse memory thanks to all of this what If i forget to go to class or do my homework? Is my body able to handle classes? Will my fingers handle typing and note taking? What if I'm taking a test and I go into brain fog?
I know that my life is not my own but the Lords. I know that He will help me handle all of this,but sometimes it is a lot to handle, If we are friends, don't let this scare you away because I need you now more than ever.

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